Dear Diary
by RangerLuv2
Summary: Ranger comes back from a mission and physically, he's fine. Emotionally, he's a wreck. We learn the story of what happened as we follow his therapy with the RangeMan shrink. Yes, there's angst. War is hell. BABE HEA. Rating is for language, war violence and adult themes. Known characters belong to J.E. I'm not making money from this.
1. Chapter 1

**Dear Diary**

**Chapter 1**

April 4, 2012

Dear Diary,

Hold onto your ass because this isn't going to end well. I'm doing this against my will. I came back from a mission in the Middle East and suddenly the RangeMan shrink thinks I'm depressed. In addition to seeing him three times a week, he's making me write in a fucking diary like a twelve year old girl with a celebrity crush she feels compelled to write about. Fuck him and fuck you too. Oh, and I have to sign each entry so that I _own_ my words. Whatever. Oh, and the top of each page is already printed with the words _Dear Diary. _I feel like a sissy. If I were writing my own heading at the top of each page, it would say _Dear Douchebag_.

Ranger

r/s/r/s

April 6, 2012

Dear Diary,

You may have noticed I skipped a day. Yeah, just to piss off you and the shrink. I'm sure he would say it's because I'm a control freak who doesn't like to be told what to do. So what? There is nothing wrong with being a control freak if that's what a person wants to be. I like being in control. It suits me and my purposes. He tried to tell me today that being in charge of your life is different from being a control freak. He said when a person acts like a control freak, it's an indication they actually feel out of control and they're over compensating. Who cares? I just nod my head at everything he says.

I _have _been a little stressed. The night I got back, I went straight to my Babe's apartment to watch her sleep and center myself. I was upset and disappointed when I got there and found she wasn't home. It was midnight, but when I let myself into her apartment, Rex was the only one home.

I flew down the stairs and jumped back in my car. I figured she must be with the cop, so I drove over there, but her car wasn't out front. Then I drove past her parents' house. No car. I started to get scared. I hadn't had any contact with Tank during this mission. What if her car exploded? What if she was in it? Where the hell was she?

I quickly hit the speed dial number for Tank and found out everything was fine. My Babe was in Atlantic City with Lula and Connie for a girl's weekend away. Thank god. If the head-shrinker thinks I'm depressed now, I'd hate to see what he'd say about the state of mind I'd be in if I came back from a mission and found something had happened to my Babe. Christ, I can't think about that. That would destroy me.

Speaking of Tank, he's knocking at my apartment door. Gotta go.

Ranger

r/s/r/s

April 9, 2012

Dear Diary,

I'm not writing in this thing every fucking day. I don't have that much to say. I saw Dr. Harvey today and he wanted me to do some kind of biofeedback thing, listening to soothing sounds with headphones on. I agreed because I want to appear cooperative and have him sign off on my treatment as soon as possible.

I don't need biofeedback to relax. I can get my Zen on just fine by myself, thank you. It's just easier to do when Stephanie is around. She's back from Atlantic City, but I still haven't seen her.

Maybe I'll sneak into her apartment tonight. It doesn't take long at all to center myself in her bedroom, listening to her soft breathing, watching the gentle rise and fall of her chest, and breathing in her scent. She's all the _treatment_ I need.

Ranger

r/s/r/s

April 13, 2012

Dear Diary,

I still haven't seen Steph. Every night, something happens to prevent it. One night, my niece was in a car accident and I drove to Newark to be at the hospital with my family. They didn't really notice anything wrong with me. I'm quiet all the time anyway, and that night, _everyone _was in a pretty solemn mood until we finally got word she was going to be okay.

The next night, we had a big take-down. I'm not supposed to be participating in any take-downs at the moment, but I just had to be involved in some way, so Tank let me ride with Hector in the surveillance van and work the comm lines. The skip went berserk and shot at Cal. Cal dodged the bullet and the skip was taken out by Cal, Tank and Lester. The paperwork and statements for a dead skip take longer than you can possibly imagine. By the time we dragged our tired asses back to RangeMan, it was nearly 4 a.m.

The next night, a call came in from RangeMan in Boston. They'd had a fire on the fifth floor, so I caught a flight out to inspect the damage and meet with the insurance agent. The sprinklers in the ceiling prevented it from being as bad as it would have been otherwise. Tank will get with them on getting contractors in there to do the necessary repairs.

Thankfully, none of my men were hurt and that's what's important. I need to see my Babe.

Ranger

r/s/r/s/

April 16, 2012

Dear Diary,

A few more days have passed, but I still haven't seen my Babe. I could have, but I haven't left my apartment for three days. I haven't gone running for the last five days. I don't care. I seem to be getting worse instead of better. The doc says I'm holding everything inside and I need to let it out before I explode.

I'll have to leave the apartment today to see Dr. Harvey because if I don't show up, he'll take some kind of action. The usual client/shrink confidentiality doesn't apply to RangeMan personnel the same way it does with regular people. It still applies as long as the treatment is going well, but if Dr. Harvey thinks the employee he's treating is a danger to himself or others or if he feels some kind of additional help is needed, he has the right to discuss it with the core team. We all agree to these terms when we sign our contracts every year.

There has only been one time in all the years Dr. Harvey has worked for us that he's gone to the core team and it was a good call. I know he'll only do it if he feels it's the best or only option.

I don't want him discussing me with the core team, so I'll show up at my appointment. Right now, I'm shut in the office in my penthouse. I know Ella will be in any minute to dust and clean and change the sheets and I don't want to run into her. She'll skip my office when she finds the door is locked. I don't want to see her. I don't want to see anyone. Maybe my Babe. Or maybe not.

When did I go from needing so badly to see Steph to _maybe_ I need to see her? I don't know, for sure. The more I think about it, the more I believe I should just stay away from her. She doesn't need my darkness and gloominess in her life.

This isn't the first time I've come back from a mission feeling down, but usually all it takes is a good night's sleep, a single session with Dr. Harvey and a few minutes with my arms around Stephanie and I'm good as new. This time, I can't seem to shake it. I need her, but I need to stay away from her.

Ranger

r/s/r/s

April 17, 2012

Dear Diary,

Dr. Harvey forced two prescriptions on me today. He wanted to start me on them shortly after I got back, but I refused. Today he threatened to go to Tank and Bobby if I didn't agree to take the meds. He gave me antidepressants and pills to help me sleep. I actually don't have any trouble going to sleep when it's bedtime, but the nightmares wake me up, and then it takes a while for the shaking to stop and I have trouble going back to sleep.

I'm not going on any more missions. My mind is made up. My contract has actually been up for a few months now. I still get offers, but I can pick and choose the ones I want. The one I just got back from was a relatively simple mission. There was a bit of a danger level, there always is when you go where I went, but it wasn't all that high. It was the tragedy that unfolded during the mission that screwed with my head. I can't think about that now. I'm going to take my pills and go to bed.

Ranger

r/s/r/s

April 20, 2012

Dear Diary,

Today is Hitler's birthday. I always remember it because Rachel and I got married on April 20th and the judge that married us felt compelled to share that cheerful little piece of trivia with us.

Today was a fucked up day. I yelled at Dr. Harvey to get off my back and walked out of the session ten minutes early. I don't think he'll go to the core team just because I missed ten minutes of one session, but he was pretty unhappy about the yelling. He says he can deal with the yelling if I'll also talk to him, but I haven't been talking to him. Not about anything important.

He says the meds should kick in soon and should make me feel like I'm on more of an even keel. He thinks when the meds start working I'll tell him what happened over there. If I wanted to tell him what happened, I would have fucking told him by now.

He asked me who I trust with my life. I told him, Tank, Bobby, Lester, Hector, my father and Stephanie. Then he asked who I trust with my thoughts and dreams and problems. I didn't have much of an answer for that. Tank with a few things. Steph with a few things. That's about it.

He asked if I've seen Stephanie since I've been back and when I told him I hadn't, he wanted to know why. That's when I started crying. I didn't want to cry in front of him, so that's when I started yelling and walked out. The anger helped me shut down the tears. I'm tired. I'm going to take my pills and go to bed.

Ranger

r/s/r/s

April 23, 2012

Dear Diary,

Dr. Harvey had to go out of town on a family emergency so I don't have to see him today. Thank god. Normally, he would have a colleague take his place, but the other shrinks he's in practice with aren't connected to the military in any way and don't have a security clearance that would allow them to be privy to things I might say. He knows I won't talk to anyone else anyway. I'm barely speaking to him.

The meds seem to be doing their job, for the most part. I'm sleeping for longer periods of time before the nightmares kick in and I'm only having them three or four nights a week instead of every night.

I guess he's still worried because I don't have any interest in anything. I haven't been down to the fifth floor since the take-down we did shortly after I got back from my mission. I refuse to take any phone calls and I guess I'm not eating very well. It's not like I'm wasting away to nothing. I've only lost six pounds. Big fucking deal. Who cares?

I know Tank and Lester and Bobby come in to check on me sometimes. If I'm not asleep, I pretend to be, and even if I was asleep, I know when they've been here. I can recognize them by their cologne. It lingers in the air. Brut means Tank was in the room, Hilfiger means Bobby has been here and Ralph Lauren means Lester stopped by.

I know they're just worried, but I want them to leave me alone. I don't want to talk about what happened and they can't do anything about it anyway.

I'm going to take my goddamn pills and go to bed.

Ranger

r/s/r/s/

April 27, 2012

Whatever family emergency Dr. Harvey had was not quickly resolved, so yesterday's session was also canceled. Didn't matter to me, I had nothing to say to him anyway.

Apparently, he asked Tank, Lester and Bobby to check on me and asked Bobby to draw a vial of blood. The doc checks my blood work regularly to make sure I'm taking my meds, but not taking too much.

I heard the three of them let themselves into the penthouse. I was in bed, but not sleeping. I turned over on my stomach and closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep. I made sure I was breathing slow steady breaths like I would be if I were actually asleep.

They were standing at the end of my bed watching me and I just wanted them to go away. I heard Lester say, "He looks pretty peaceful when he's not having a nightmare." Bobby and Tank agreed with him.

Bobby said, "Yeah, I almost hate to wake him up to draw blood. Maybe I'll stop by in a couple hours and see if he's awake then. I sure wish I knew what baby he was talking about when he has those bad dreams."

"Me too," Tank and Lester replied.

Hearing them speak about the baby set me off. I flipped over onto my back and screamed at them to get out. I could see the shock register on their faces.

"My baby!" I screamed at them. "Mine! Do not come in here and talk about the baby!"

Bobby started to apologize, but I just turned back over and quietly told them to leave. I know they were confused. One minute I was yelling at them and the next I was speaking barely above a whisper.

"Ranger," Tank said. "Talk to us, man. We're here for you."

"Go away," I told them. "I want to be alone."

The room was quiet for a moment and I figured they were ESP-ing each other. I didn't give a shit, I just wanted them gone.

Finally, Bobby said, "I'll come back a little later to draw some blood for Dr. Harvey. Get some rest, Rangeman."

I didn't answer. A couple minutes later, I heard them file out of the room.

Bobby came back a couple hours later and drew blood. I was still in bed and he asked me if I felt like talking. I didn't answer him so after a few minutes, he gave me a pat on the shoulder and left.

I'm going to take my meds and go to back to bed now.

Ranger

**A/N - Thanks for reading. Chapter 2 will be up tomorrow. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Dear Diary**

**Chapter 2 **

**April 29, 2012**

Dear Diary,

Tank stopped by to let me know Dr. Harvey will be back tomorrow and that I have a one p.m. appointment. He said instead of fifty minutes, I should plan on staying for ninety minutes. I can't imagine what that's all about, but I didn't comment. I just nodded so Tank knew I heard him.

Ranger

r/s/r/s/

**May 1, 2012**

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, I had my 90 minute session with Dr. Harvey. I was too wiped out when it was over to write about it, so I'm writing about it today.

He said he had talked to Tank and Bobby. I felt my anger rising, but tried to keep it under control. He said if I didn't start showing some improvement, he wanted me to consider going to the hospital for inpatient psychiatric care for a while. Oh, hell no.

Then he started to tell me he wanted to try something different with me. He wanted me to sit in the recliner in his office, lie back and close my eyes, and allow him ask me questions. He said he would put me under a bit, sort of like hypnosis, but not exactly. He said I'd be aware the whole time, but I'd be relaxed enough to allow myself to talk about what happened.

I told him the technique wouldn't work on me. I was trained to not allow such techniques to work. Otherwise, it would be easy for the enemy to get information from me if I were captured.

He assured me that the medication I was on would allow me to relax enough to let him do his work because my mind knew he wasn't the enemy and I had nothing to fear from him. I didn't want to do it, but I figured he mentioned the hospital to me first, hoping this relaxation thing would sound appealing to me when I heard it. He was right. Not that it sounded appealing, but it sure as hell was more appealing than the thought of being locked up in a psychiatric hospital.

The session, once he put me under, went like this:

"Ranger, how are you feeling?"

"I feel fine. Relaxed."

"Good. I want you to tell me about your most recent mission."

"It's classified."

Dr. Harvey chuckled a bit. "Ranger, you know my clearance is higher than yours. Tell me a little bit about the mission."

I sighed. "Okay. There were four of us on the team. Our job was to take out a Taliban leader. We had good intel on his location and it appeared it was going to be a rather easy mission considering its importance."

"Sounds good. Did the mission go as planned?"

I was quiet for a little while. I was fascinated that I was talking to him. It sort of felt like it was against my will, but my mouth just willingly started talking again. "At first it went well. Everything in the planning report was right on as far as location, population of the area, number of guards we needed to take out to get to him, number of insurgents likely to be in the area. It looked like it was going to be a perfect in and out mission."

"But?" Dr. Harvey prompted.

"But it all went south," I told him.

"You didn't get your man?"

"We did get him," I said quietly.

"What was the part that went wrong?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Tank and Bobby said you keep having nightmares where you talk about a baby. Was there a baby connected to the mission?"

I started to feel agitated and panicky. I didn't answer him. The room was quiet for a minute, then I heard Dr. Harvey ask me to count backwards from thirty to one. I complied.

"Tell me what happened to make the mission go bad, Ranger."

I took a deep breath. I still didn't want to talk about it, but my mouth opened again and the words started to come out.

"Like I said, there were four of us. My partner and I went into the location from the south and arrived before the other two members who were coming in from the north. We spotted our target. We knew it would take the other two guys longer to get there because they had a more mountainous region to cover than we did. Then they had to work their way back toward us."

"Okay, what happened after you spotted your target?"

"It looked almost too easy, but we had no reason to believe anything was wrong. Everything went according to plan. It was night time, but there was enough light from the moon that I could see him clearly enough to make a positive identification. I couldn't see my partner though. I knew he was nearby, but because of the darkness and bushes and a few small sheds dotting the area, I couldn't pinpoint his exact location. We were too close to the target to use our radios, but it didn't matter. We had him and it was going to be an easy shot.

"I was on my stomach on a slab of rock and I looked through the scope of my rifle. Just before I pulled the trigger, I heard a muffled shot go off. We were using suppressors, but I heard the pop and whoosh. It was my partner who fired. His shot dropped the target and mine ... " My voice trailed off.

"Your shot, Ranger? What happened with your shot?"

I became agitated again. Part of my mind was telling me to shut up and another part was telling me to just get the words out. Just say it and get it over with. We were quiet for a few minutes, then Dr. Harvey had me take three deep breaths. He told me to let them out slowly, then count backwards from thirty again.

Once I did that, he asked me again to tell him what happened.

"We didn't know ..." I started, then stopped when I heard my voice quivering. I took a deep breath and started again. "It was dark and we didn't know someone was standing behind the target. He was a big guy. My partner's bullet took him out. When he dropped, my bullet ... there was a woman behind him ... his wife or woman. She was shorter and smaller. Her head probably came up to his chest. My shot would have hit the target in the chest, but instead ... oh god, instead, the bullet hit her right between her eyes."

"That's unfortunate, Ranger. It's hard to take and it's hard to live with, but you've experienced collateral damage before ... "

"She was pregnant," I interrupted him. Way pregnant. I ran down there and so did my partner. She looked like she was about 37 or 38 weeks. Ready to pop," I choked out.

"I dropped to my knees and pulled out my knife. My partner, Brady, asked me what I was doing. I told him I had to cut her open to get the baby. He told me I was crazy." I felt my eyes watering with tears, but I kept on talking.

"One of the guys on our team was a medic, but he still hadn't made it to our location. I didn't care what Brady said, I had to get that baby out. I'd never done anything like that before, but I'd seen it done once and knew I could do it. I knew I could get that baby out.

"So, I did. I cut her open and got the baby out, but it was shaking me up something bad. I'd just killed its mother. My hands were trembling and my heart was pounding. I used a rubber band from my pack to tie off the cord, then cut it. Then, I used a straw from my pack to suck the stuff from his throat. A boy. It was a boy. He started crying and I knew he was going to be okay. I was half laughing and half crying. I was covered with blood and all sorts of fluids, but I didn't care. It was like a miracle that I was able to do that. I held him in my arms and he looked up at me and I don't know a lot about a newborn baby's vision, but he was looking right at me in the moonlight and he looked like a little golden angel.

"I know it sounds crazy, but it was like we bonded. Shit, that sounds totally crazy now that I say it out loud, but it was true. To me, it was true. I had no doubt I was going to keep him and take care of him. He needed me. He was mine.

"Then the other two team members arrived and they were shocked by what they found. They tried to take the baby from me, but I didn't know what they were going to do. I started yelling at them to leave me alone. Leave us alone. I wouldn't let go of the baby. He was an orphan now. My partner killed his father and I killed his mother, but I saved him. He was mine. Right? My baby. He could be mine. I could take care of him. I couldn't make it up to him, killing his parents, but I could take care of him. Give him a better life."

By this point I was sobbing, but Dr. Harvey remained quiet for a few minutes to see if I would continue.

I got the sobbing under control and took a few deep breaths.

"The other guys didn't know what to do with me apparently. They stepped a few feet away and I heard them whispering with one another, but I couldn't hear what they were saying. Then, one of the guys walked over and punched me in the face and when I lifted my hand to my eye, he grabbed the baby and took off. I tried to get up and go after him, but the other two held me back. I was furious, but the adrenaline crash from ending the mission and cutting open the woman to get the baby out, had me drained. Something snapped in me, but instead of flying into a rage, I could only sit on the ground, on my knees, shaking uncontrollably.

"The medic was afraid I was going to go crazy on him and draw attention to our location so he gave me an injection that put me out for a couple hours. Once I came to, we made our way to our extraction sight. The team member who took the baby showed up a few hours later. He said he left the baby on the steps of an orphanage, but I have no way of knowing if he was telling the truth. He could have killed it or sold it or left it on the road to die for all I know."

By the time I was done telling the whole story, I was exhausted. Totally wiped out. Dr. Harvey patted me on the shoulder and told me I did well, but I only felt numb.

It's been eighteen hours since my appointment with him and I still feel numb. He asked if I was willing to share the story with the core team. I told him _no_. He asked if he could fill them in on some of the details. I shrugged and told him I didn't care. I personally don't want to have to repeat any of it and go through all that again, but I was too numb and too tired to care if Dr. Harvey did.

I need to take my pills and go to bed now.

Ranger

**A/N Thanks for reading and for the reviews on chapter one. I really appreciate hearing from all of you. Chapter 3 will be posted tomorrow.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Dear Diary**

**Chapter 3**

**May 3, 2012**

I had another session with Dr. Harvey today. He said I was looking a little better than the last time he saw me. That wasn't hard to believe since the last time he saw me I was a wreck, falling apart in his office, spilling my guts.

He asked me how I had held it together and acted okay the first few days I was back, going on a take-down and then flying to Boston after the fire.

I told him I'm used to being able to compartmentalize things. After the mission, I spent two days being debriefed and during that time, I got my shit together enough to get myself home with my usual plan of catching up on my sleep and going to Stephanie's to ground myself. I guess when I couldn't locate Stephanie during those first crucial days back, I started to withdraw and the nightmares began.

I've been on bad missions before, but I've always been able to put them behind me after coming home and drawing strength from Steph. She makes everything better. She takes the edge off and brings warmth and light to my life. I hold her in my arms whenever I get the chance and I draw some of her light into my soul to counteract the darkness. I try not to take too much, just enough to allow me to go on, then I push her away so I can't steal any more of her light. It doesn't belong to me.

This time, she wasn't around and the darkness overwhelmed me before I knew what was happening. This mission was different. This one turned personal. A baby was involved. A baby I rescued from his dead mother's womb and bonded with.

Ranger

r/s/r/s/

**May 5, 2012**

Dear Diary,

I walked into Dr. Harvey's office and took my usual seat on the brown leather chair across from his. Our session went like this:

"How are you feeling today, Ranger?"

"Better," I told him. "But the meds make me feel a little ... I don't know ... subdued."

"That's normal. They're designed to curb the highs and lows so you can find a middle ground. A lot of people describe the results the way you just did. Try to keep in mind that it's just temporary. When you're ready, I'll wean you off them and the subdued feeling will go away."

"When will that be?"

"I can't give you a date, Ranger. It's mostly up to you. You're the one who has to do all the work to get back to where you want to be. Have you been to your office yet?"

"No. I was thinking I might go for a little while this afternoon."

"Good. As long as you feel ready, I think it's a good idea. Keep in mind that you don't have to stay for any certain amount of time and no more than four hours a day, five days a week, for now. Have you seen Stephanie yet?"

I looked away from him and blew out a long breath. "No."

"Why not?"

I didn't answer.

"I've been told she asks about you. She calls Tank every day and asks if you're well enough for her to come visit with you."

I turned an accusing glare to him. "You're still discussing me with the core team?"

"No, I'm not, but that doesn't stop them from talking to me. I just listen." He paused for a moment. "Why haven't you seen her? Always, after past missions, you've told me you go to her. That she helps you center yourself and get your feet back on solid ground."

"That's true, but it's different this time."

"Why is that?"

"It just is."

"Tell me why, Ranger."

Fuck! "It's different because in the past, I had delusional thoughts about maybe having a future with her someday. Now I know that isn't possible."

"Why is it no longer possible?"

I didn't answer. I wanted this conversation to go away. I wanted the session to be over.

"Do you still love her?"

"Yes. I'll always love her."

"Then why is it no longer possible? How did this mission change that?"

"I don't want to suck her into my darkness. She's good and innocent. She's the total opposite of me. The only thing deadly about Stephanie is her cooking. She's nurturing whether she means to be or not. She's like sunshine and light and warmth and goodness. There's nothing dark or bad lurking in her heart. Steph is like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. I'm like a vial of poison. I don't want to poison her."

"I don't think that's it, Ranger. I think that's just what you keep telling yourself."

I let out an exasperated sigh, but said nothing. What did he know anyway?

We sat in silence for a few minutes, but I didn't know what else to say to him. I tried explaining it the best way I knew how.

Finally, Dr. Harvey spoke again. "I think you know you would never do anything to hurt or _poison_ Stephanie. I think you just tell yourself that. You know she could never look at you like you're dark and evil. You know she wouldn't hold anything that happens on these missions against you. You told me yourself, she thinks you're a hero. She believes all your men are heroes. You're avoiding her because you know she can help take away the pain and the guilt, but you're not ready to let go of them. You think you deserve the pain and guilt so you can't allow her to absolve your alleged sins."

I scoffed when he said _alleged_ sins, but perhaps he was right about some of what he said. I didn't deserve to be absolved. "Maybe I just don't want her to know I failed," I said softly.

A frown creased Dr. Harvey's forehead. "Failed? What did you fail at?"

"I failed with the baby."

"You saved the baby. You gave it life."

"And then I let him down. I failed to protect him. When I looked into his eyes, I made a promise to protect him, then I let him be taken away and didn't do enough to stop it."

"You were in a shitty place under shitty circumstances. With very little medical knowledge and no medical equipment, you acted quickly and competently and saved his life. If you hadn't done what you did, he'd be dead. Jesus, Ranger, do you ever cut yourself a break?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I ... I don't know."

"Are you perfect?"

"Obviously not."

"Do you expect yourself to be perfect?"

"Maybe. Or maybe I just expect myself not to fuck up the important shit."

"How is it you can see the good in Stephanie and other people around you, but you can't see the good you've accomplished?"

"The good doesn't take away the bad," I told him.

"But the bad can obliterate the good?"

I was getting tired and didn't know how to answer his question.

There were a few more minutes of silence, then Dr. Harvey looked at his watch. "Our time is up. I'll see you Monday."

I stood up and gave him a slight nod, then headed for the door.

"Ranger," he said when I reached for the door knob. "Good session. You're doing well."

I wasn't sure how he could say that so I didn't answer. I walked out the door and headed back to RangeMan.

The next two days, I spent about two and a half hours each day in my office on the fifth floor. I didn't get a lot accomplished because I spent most of my time with the garage camera pulled up on my laptop screen so I could bolt upstairs if Stephanie showed up. Yeah, I'm not only a fuck up, I'm a pussy.

The guys have been great. They act friendly, but none of them are hovering or acting like they have to walk on egg shells around me. I really appreciate that. I'm sure Tank has a lot to do with it.

Ranger

r/s/r/s/

**May 8, 2012**

Dear Diary,

I don't really have anything new going on, so I'll just tell you about today's session with Dr. Harvey.

"Ranger, how are you feeling today?"

"Okay."

"Are you still having nightmares?"

"Some nights."

"Let's talk about those today."

"They're pretty much just a repeat of what happened on the mission."

"Pretty much, but some things are different?"

"Yes. In the dreams, the baby is a girl instead of a boy."

"Interesting."

"Is it?"

"Isn't it?"

"If you say so."

"Why do you think the baby in your dreams is a girl instead of a boy?"

"Why don't you tell me?"

"Because it's your dream. You know the answer."

"Are you thinking I'd rather have a daughter than a son?"

"No, I was thinking you already have a daughter."

"So?"

"So, can you think of any similarities between your daughter and the baby you delivered overseas?"

Fucking motherfucking shrinks! "Yes, I failed them both as infants. Left them both behind."

"I think you're on to something there, Ranger."

"Yes, I'm a fuck up and I know it."

"You're not a fuck up and I've told you before, statements like that are not helpful."

"Sorry."

"You should apologize to yourself, not to me."

"Right."

"Was there a part of you that felt this baby was your chance to make up for the past?"

"I don't ... Yes."

"Tell me more."

"I remember looking in his eyes and thinking this time I'd get it right. This time, I'd man up and stick around instead of running away and just sending a check every month."

"And when your team member took the baby, he took away your chance to redeem yourself?"

"I don't want to do this any more."

"Do what?"

"Therapy."

"It sucks sometimes, doesn't it?"

Understatement of the year.

"So, back to the baby. "Were you looking at it as a chance to redeem yourself?"

"Yes, I guess I was."

"Because you're still punishing yourself for not being around when Julie was a baby."

"I fucked up."

"Do you regret divorcing Rachel?"

"No."

"But you regret not being there when Julie was a baby and while she was growing up."

"Yes."

"What would you like to have happen?"

"I want a fucking do-over!"

Dr. Harvey gave a small laugh when I said that. "Yeah, we could all use one or two of those, Ranger, but you know as well as I do, there are no do-overs. The best we can do is learn from our mistakes and move on. It makes no sense to continue to beat ourselves up over things we can't change."

Neither of us spoke for about five minutes. Finally, I said, "I know."

"Ranger, what do you do when one of your guys makes a mistake?"

"It depends on what it is. If one of them screwed up a take-down, we'd have a meeting to discuss what went wrong and what we could do to make sure it never happens again."

"Do you encourage them to continue to blame themselves and beat themselves up over it?"

"Of course not. That would be counterproductive."

"So are the guilt and regret you're so valiantly hanging onto, Ranger. You can't undo the past, you can only make the present what you want it to be. Don't I remember you telling me that you've been in contact with Julie more since her kidnapping."

"Yes, we keep in touch with occasional emails, but it's not enough. I need more of her. I want to get to know her better. I don't just want to know her favorite food and favorite color, I want to know everything. I want her to know me."

"What's stopping you?"

"Nothing. Nothing now. I'm going to start tomorrow."

"Good for you. I can't wait to hear more during our next session. I'll see you Wednesday. We'll talk more about Stephanie too."

"Fuck me," I said on my way out the door.

For the first time since I'd started therapy with Dr. Harvey, I didn't want to go straight back to my apartment and fall into bed. I also didn't feel like going to the office. I thought about driving around for a while, but I didn't want to cross paths with Steph. Finally, I decided to head toward Point Pleasant.

It was still early in the season so there weren't a lot of people there. The air and wind were a bit cool, but I didn't mind. I spent two hours sitting on the beach with the warm spring sunshine on my face. Tomorrow I'm going to call my daughter and really begin to get to know her. I haven't decided what yet, but I'm going to tell her three things about myself or my life, even if they're just little things. I'll make a list before I call so I don't get nervous and fuck this up.

Ranger

**A/N – Thank you all very much for the tremendous feedback. I apologize for being behind in answering them. Besides my regular job, I've been diligently working hard on chapters 3, 4 and 5. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Dear Diary**

**Chapter 4**

**May 10, 2012**

Dear Diary,

Just for the record, if anyone ever reads this, this is my second diary. I had to start a new one. Here's what happened:

I walked into Dr. Harvey's office today and took my usual seat.

"How are you feeling today, Ranger?"

"Better."

"Good. Describe better."

"I've given a lot of thought to what we talked about last time. It really is counterproductive to dwell on past mistakes. I've been spending more time berating myself in my mind over my mistakes with Julie than I actually spend seeing her and talking to her. I'm working on changing that. We spoke on the phone last night for over an hour."

"That's wonderful. How was it?"

"It was great. Even though some of her pop culture references went right over my head, it didn't really matter. I was able to Google 'One Direction' and find out it's a boy band. Apparently Justin Bieber has been usurped. Who knew? Anyway, she was just happy to be talking to me and I was happy to listen and have her share part of her life with me. I told her I'd recently come back from a mission and that I was letting my hair grow back out. I told her I missed her and about my plans to open a new RangeMan location in Philadelphia. I think she was surprised because I don't really share any information with her unless she asks."

"I'm glad to hear it. I hope it continues."

"It will. No doubt. Which is also the name of a band, by the way. Just thought I'd throw that out there in case you're not as hip as me."

"Ranger, I'm not sure anyone says _hip_ anymore."

"That's a shame," I said with a grin, making Dr. Harvey laugh and shake his head.

"Is there anything in particular you want to talk about today?"

I wasn't sure my request was going to go over well, but I figured all I could do was ask. "I'd like to discuss having you release me back to work full time."

"Really."

"Yes."

"Have you seen or spoken with Stephanie yet?"

Christ. "No. What does Steph have to do with me being released back to work?"

"You've told me more than once in the past that Stephanie is your best friend."

Fuckity, fuck fuck. "She is."

"Okay. How is it you feel you're ready to return to a high pressure job full time when you still haven't been able to make yourself face your best friend?"

"Christ! You're making me regret I ever told you about her."

"Ranger, I was looking back through your records and made a few notes. You've been on 11 missions since you met Stephanie. After each of those missions, when you've met with me, you talked about Stephanie every single time. Every year, during your annual evaluation, you spend a great deal of time talking about Stephanie."

"What's your point?"

"You told me you love her."

"I do. I'll always love her."

"Does she love you?"

"Yes."

"How do you know?"

"I just know. Instinct, I guess. My instincts are never wrong."

"So, have you been lying to me about her all these years?"

"No! What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"You tell me about all her wonderful qualities, but I have to wonder if you're just imagining them."

"I'm not."

"So all the good qualities you've attributed to her are true?"

"Yes."

"Well damn. It's a damn shame you don't give her any credit."

"I do give her credit!" I was getting royally pissed off at this point.

"You told me she's strong."

"She is. She's one of the strongest people I know."

"You told me she's brave."

"She is brave! The woman is fucking fearless! She jumped in front of a bullet for me, for Christ's sake."

"And yet, you can't let her into your life because you're afraid you're somehow going to taint this strong, brave, fearless woman with your darkness."

I let out a growl and wondered if I should sit on my hands to keep from punching him in the face. "So what are you telling me as far as Stephanie goes and me getting back to work?"

"I'm telling you that after you contact Stephanie, we'll talk about you going back to work."

"I'm not ready to see her."

"Then call her."

"I'm not ready to talk to her."

"Then write her a letter."

"Fine!"

"Good. I'll let you go early today so you can start writing."

"Fucking unbelievable! Why don't I just give her a copy of my fucking diary?"

"That would work too," Dr. Harvey said. "How much have you written in it?"

"A lot."

"What do you write about?"

I blew out a long sigh. "Sometimes I write what I'm thinking about or feeling. What we've discussed. Sometimes I just write down our whole damn session."

"Whole sessions? Like a summary?"

"No. Sometimes I just write them out word for word."

Dr. Harvey looked surprised. "Do you have perfect recall, Ranger?"

"Yes."

"I thought you had a photographic memory."

"I do."

"Both?"

"Yes."

"Jesus."

"Not quite. He could also turn water into wine."

"You made a joke."

"Yes, Dr. Harvey, because this is all so hysterically funny."

"You really don't want to put yourself out there when it comes to her, do you?"

I didn't answer.

"What are you afraid of, Ranger?"

"I told you."

"No, you lied to me. You want me to believe you're afraid you'll hurt her, but you're actually afraid _you're_ the one who'll get hurt."

"Christ! I hate this conversation! What the fuck do you want me to do?"

"I want you to go for it, Ranger. I want you to take a fucking leap of faith! I want you to prove to me and to yourself that Stephanie is all the things you've been telling me she is for the past four years. Don't let the same thing happen with Stephanie you let happen with Julie. You know first hand how it is to live with the regrets."

He had me there.

"Look, Ranger. I'm not a matchmaker and don't usually take this route with patients in telling them what to do in a relationship. Actually, I've never done that with a patient, but I'm making an exception. The two of you have been in love for four years now. You're one of the toughest men I've ever known, but man, you fold like a house of cards when it comes to affairs of the heart. Why don't you deserve to be happy?"

"In case you've forgotten, I kill people for a living."

"Apparently, _you've_ forgotten that you've served your country faithfully your entire adult life. I haven't read in the papers that you've gone on any random shooting sprees."

"You know I'm not talking about random shootings."

"Do you regret killing any of the targets?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Every one of them were a threat to this country."

"Then how does that make you unworthy of Stephanie's love?"

I didn't answer.

"Ranger, picture yourself when you're 50 or 60 years old. Are you going to be wishing for a do-over if you don't let her into your life? Because we've already established that there are no fucking do-overs. I'll see you Saturday."

So, as you can tell, Dear Douchebag Diary, it was a lovely session. I left in a huff and had a lot to think about. I spent the entire afternoon and evening doing nothing but think about it.

About 11 p.m, I took a black magic marker and blacked out the words Taliban, Brady and Middle East in my diary. Around midnight, I showered, shaved and dressed in clean clothing. When I was ready, I took the diary and drove to Stephanie's apartment.

I sat in her parking lot for a few minutes trying to decide if I was doing the right thing and trying to get up the nerve to go through with it. Finally, Dr. Harvey's words echoed in my mind, _take a leap of faith_. So I did.

I let myself into Stephanie's apartment and walked quietly into her room. My hands were shaking so badly, I almost dropped the diary on the floor. I watched her sleep for a while and before long, I felt more relaxed than I had since before I left on my mission.

Even just lying there in sleep, she's like a tonic that heals me. I cursed myself for staying away so long. I love her. God, how I love her. And now she'll know. When she reads the diary, she'll know I love her. I think she'll be happy about that, but how she'll handle the rest of what she reads, I can't predict. It truly is a leap of faith. I put the diary on her nightstand and made my way back out as quietly as I'd come in.

Now that I'd given her the diary, I had to leave a way open for her to contact me, so I let the control room know if she comes by tomorrow, they should let her come up to the seventh floor. When I got upstairs, I turned on my cell phone, plugged it into the charger and started this new diary. I'm exhausted. Time to go to bed.

Ranger

**A/N - This was the last entry we'll read from Ranger's diary. Chapter five will be the final chapter and I hope to have it posted by Thursday night. It will still be written from Ranger's POV, just not in diary format. Thanks for following this story and for the thoughtful, heartfelt reviews you write. You ladies are absolutely wonderful and make me want to keep writing story after story! **


	5. Chapter 5

**Dear Diary**

Chapter 5

Just after 2:30 a.m. I felt a tingling on the back of my neck, then I heard the apartment door open. Holy shit, what have I done? I didn't expect her to find the diary until morning. When will I learn that nothing ever goes as planned with Stephanie?

I was scared and excited and nervous all at the same time. I wanted her to leave and I wanted her to stay. I wanted to laugh and I wanted to cry. My heart was in my throat and I couldn't breathe. I felt paralyzed. I felt hope.

After she opened the bedroom door, she stood there without moving for a couple of minutes. I didn't know if she was thinking about changing her mind or just allowing her eyes to adjust to the darkness.

Finally, she came into the room and closed the door. I watched as she walked into the bathroom. Apparently she was getting the night-light because when she came back into the bedroom, she plugged it into the wall across from the bed. I wondered what she was doing. She walked over to the dresser and got a pair of my black silk boxers and brought them over to the bed, handing them to me. Well, I guess I knew what we _wouldn't_ be doing.

While I reached under the covers to pull on the boxers, she pulled her t-shirt up over her head and tossed it on the chair. She kicked off her shoes, pulled off her socks, then pushed her sweatpants down and stepped out of them.

She was standing there in a black sports bra and matching boy shorts. I briefly wondered if the Victoria's Secret at the Quakerbridge Mall had burned down while I was out of the country. That would be a crying shame, but I happen to know there's another one in Princeton, about eight miles from here.

I wasn't sure if I should speak first or wait to see what she was going to do. Before I could make up my mind, she pulled the covers back, got in bed, crawled over to me and climbed on top of me. She slid her arms around my neck and buried her face in the crook between my chin and shoulder. Still we hadn't spoken.

I hesitated only a moment before wrapping my arms around her and running my hands up and down her back. God, I've missed touching her. I closed my eyes and breathed in the scent of her skin and shampoo. I've missed those too. I've missed everything about her.

For several minutes we remained that way, Steph with her lips pressed against the side of my neck, me slowly moving my hands up and down her back. After a while, I moved one hand up to trail through her curls while I drew soft circles on her back with the other.

Before long, I felt my mind become clearer, my batteries recharging, my grief subsiding. She's my life, my love, my cure.

Dr. Harvey is good, but Stephanie is far better.

Several more minutes passed in silence. I'd never known Steph to lie this still for this long without falling asleep, but I knew she was still awake because of her breathing and because every once in a while, she ran her fingers through my hair, gently rubbing my scalp. She knows I love that.

About thirty minutes after she arrived, she finally spoke. "I love you." Her words were a soft whisper against my skin.

My arms tightened around her and I whispered back, "I love you too."

"Please don't shut me out of your life again," she said quietly.

"Babe ... "

"Shhh, you don't have to explain. I read your diary. I read what you went through over there, on your mission."

I felt her tears on my neck and shoulder. "Please don't cry, mi amor. I'm fine now. I'm better already, just holding you."

I felt her lips smile against my neck. "I'm giving you some of my light."

"I know. I can feel it," I told her.

"I didn't know I had light to give. If anyone else had said that about me I would have laughed, but coming from you it made sense."

"How is that, Babe?"

"Well, when you're holding me and siphoning off some of my light, I'm holding you and doing the same thing."

"But I don't have any light to give you, Babe."

"No, not light. I get other things from you."

"Like what?"

"Strength, confidence, courage."

I gently rolled her on her side so we were facing one another. "You have plenty of strength and courage on your own, Steph."

"That's not true. Sometimes I'm a quart low on each and draw them from your reserves. I know you laugh because you think I'm breathing in the scent of your shower gel, and I am, but it's more than that. I'm doing the exact same thing you're doing, I just have different needs."

I watched her eyes and face as she spoke and she was dead serious. "I had no idea," I whispered.

She reached out and caressed my face. "It's not something I've ever really thought about or put into words until I read what you wrote in your diary. But now, I can assure you, when you were helping yourself to some of my warmth and light, you were giving things back to me each and every time. It's never been a one-way street, Ranger. You've never taken more than you've given."

"I can't tell you how relieved that makes me feel, Babe."

"I think it's what most couples do," she said thoughtfully. We've never exactly been a couple, but I think ... I think maybe we should change that."

My breath hitched and my heart started racing. "What about the cop, Steph?"

"What cop?"

It was only two words, but they were two of the most freeing words I'd ever heard. The big iceberg that was my heart began to melt away. "You're serious? You want us to be together?"

"Yes. We love each other and we give each other what we need. I'd never want to change you and you've never tried to change me. Ricardo Carlos Manoso, will you marry me?"

I think I stopped breathing for about twenty seconds. "You want to marry me?" I asked. It was mostly a delay tactic to get my thoughts in order and get my heart started again.

"Yes. We're both happier and safer when we're together. We're both pretty much miserable when we're apart."

I tried to hide my smile when I said, "Where's the ring?"

Steph started laughing and grabbed the pillow from beneath her head to throw at me. I deflected it and grabbed her, pulling her toward me, then pinning her under me. "If I say yes, can I lose the boxers?"

"Can you hurry up and do both at the same time?" she asked, her voice husky and sexy as hell.

We spent the next few hours making love and talking in between. We talked about my sessions with Dr. Harvey and we talked about Julie and the baby I'd delivered overseas. We discussed whether or not it would be feasible for us to move to Miami to be closer to Julie. We talked about dealing with her mother if that's what we decided to do.

We both slept in late, but I woke before Steph. I showered and slipped on a pair of faded blue jeans. I didn't bother with a shirt or socks. Less clothing to remove after Steph got up. I smiled to myself as I went to the kitchen. I poured a cup of coffee and ate part of a bagel Ella had brought up while reading the morning paper.

Pouring a second cup of coffee, I took it into the living room and sat on the couch to wait for my Babe to wake up. A few minutes later, she came out, freshly showered, wearing a short denim skirt and a soft pastel yellow tee. I didn't even realize she'd brought a change of clothing with her, but then, she could fit a boatload of stuff in her purse. She smiled and winked at me as she went to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee.

She brought the cup of coffee and set it on the coffee table then settled on my lap. "Morning, lover boy."

I laughed. "Morning, Babe." I handed her the cup of coffee. How'd you sleep?"

"I slept very well, what little there was of it," she said with a cheeky grin.

Right then, there was a knock on the door. "Oh, that's for me," she said, sliding off my lap.

"For you? Who knows you're here?"

She didn't answer, but when she opened the door, I heard Ella's voice.

A minute later, Stephanie came back to the couch holding a dessert dish filled with flan and a spoon.

She sidled up to me, indicating I should pull her back down onto my lap which I carefully did.

"Ella made you flan?" I asked her.

"No. Ella made you flan. I sent her a text last night before I left to come here and asked her to make some this morning and bring it up when it was ready."

"Why?"

"A few reasons. Number one, there's nothing like a person's favorite dessert to make them feel a little better. Number two, because I love you and wanted you to have a nice treat. Number three, making it myself was out of the question because as you said in your diary, the only thing deadly about Steph is her cooking."

My mouth dropped open, then I snapped it shut and bit my lip. I'd completely forgotten I'd written that. "Babe," I looked at her face and saw her eyes twinkling with amusement.

She scooped up some flan on the spoon and fed it to me. I purposely moaned out loud the way Steph does when she takes a bite of something she loves. She started giggling and the sound was music to my ears. Then my cell phone rang, interrupting us. I couldn't think of anyone I wanted to talk to right now, but I checked the Caller I.D. anyway. It was Dr. Harvey, so I answered it.

"Yo."

"Hello, Ranger. How are you today?"

"I'm good, Dr. Harvey. What can I do for you? Did you need to change an appointment?"

"No. I was wondering if you could stop by my office today or if I could stop by there? I have something to show you. I could email it to your phone, but I don't want you to be alone when you see it."

What the hell could this be about? "I'm not alone, doc, Stephanie is here," I said with a big smile, even though he couldn't see it.

"No kidding? When you decide to take my advice, you don't waste any time. That's great. So, are the two of you having a good discussion?"

"Not at the moment. We had some good discussions last night, but right now, she's sitting on my lap in a mini skirt, feeding me flan."

Stephanie laughed and softly punched my arm.

"Well," said Dr. Harvey, "that sure beats the hell out of talking. Did you let Stephanie read your diary?"

"Yes."

"Does she know what happened on the mission?"

"Yes."

"Good. Since she's there with you, I'm just going to send the email to your phone. If you want to talk about it, you can call me back."

"Sounds good," I told him, wondering what he was going to send me.

While waiting for Dr. Harvey to send the email, Steph fed me a few more bites of flan, then I encouraged her to finish it herself.

"What do you think Dr. Harvey could be sending?" she asked.

"Probably my bill," I joked.

My phone chirped and I checked the email. There was a picture attachment. I clicked on it and my heart clenched when it loaded. "Oh my god," I choked out.

"What? What is it, Ranger? Are you okay?"

I turned the phone toward Stephanie and she gasped. "Is that ... "

"Yes, it's him," I said softly, staring at the baby boy I'd delivered just over a month ago.

"He's beautiful," Stephanie said.

"He is, isn't he?" I had to wipe a dang tear from my eye because it was making my vision blurry and I wanted to stare at the picture a while longer.

A woman was holding the baby and she was standing next to a man, presumably her husband. The man looked proud and the woman had a huge smile on her face as she looked at the baby.

I called Dr. Harvey back. "How did you ... "

"Don't ask, Ranger. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you and I really, really hate losing patients.

"But ... "

"Ranger, you have really good connections. Mine are better."

"He's been adopted?" I asked.

"Yes. And that's all I can tell you. You can see for yourself that his new parents are quite enamored with him and it looks like they have a nice home."

"Yes, quite a bit nicer than the other homes in the area I was in." I paused for a moment. "Dr. Harvey, thank you. I can't tell you what this means to me."

"I think I know, Ranger, and you're very welcome. I'll see you Monday."

"Monday," I repeated, disconnecting the call.

I stared at the picture for another minute or so then said, "I think he kind of looks like me. What do you think?"

Stephanie let out a laugh, but played along. "Let me see him again," she said reaching for my phone.

She studied the picture for several seconds then said, "My god, you're right. He's got your big chocolate brown eyes."

I laughed out loud. Almost every baby and adult in that part of the world has brown eyes. "I love you Stephanie Plum."

"I love you too," she said softly, leaning in to give me a small kiss. "You feel better about the baby?"

"Loads better. You think some day we could try making one of our own?"

Stephanie's eyes widened, then a slow smile tilted her sexy lips. "Can you guarantee he or she will have your brown eyes?"

"I can't guarantee, but I'll try my damnedest."

"Good enough for me," she said, placing the flan dish on the coffee table. She turned back around and tried straddling my legs, but her denim skirt was giving her all kinds of trouble.

"Here," I said, standing up with her in my arms. I headed for the bedroom. "I think I can help you with that."

.

_The End_

**A/N - That's it. Thanks so much for reading along and for the great reviews. Did any of you expect Stephanie to propose? **

**I think this story is my personal favorite of all the ones I've written and I hope you enjoyed it too. **

**Kristine **


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